Two days ago, a girl I was seeing decided she didn’t want to upgrade to a relationship after 4 months or so of seeing each other. It really broke me but it had me really think about human behaviour… overthinking!
She didn’t want to go to the next level because of the possibility of the “what if” it doesn’t work out.
So I decided to talk specifically to the topic of “overthinking” something in your life. That overthinking something before it happens is the most effective way to never try in the first place. That overthinking what your favourite cheese is BEFORE you try it, and then making a judgement call on it, will guarantee that you’ll live a life filled with regret in your 80s and 90s. Why? Because you would have wished you took the plunge and tasted it…. it’s too late when you’re in a nursing home.
In this audio, I suggest you live a little bit fearless. Take on a little bit more risk. Go and try that THING, accept the downside with the upside, and THEN make a judgement call on it.
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Hi everybody. It’s Brad from BradNewton.tv. It is the 28th of November 2017, and I want to talk about something that has been on my mind, literally just struck me in probably the last one to two days, and that is overthinking our actions, overthinking what we do in life and how that can really slow us down and really lead to missed opportunities and a better life.
I’ll give you story to put this in context. This is what has prompted me to do this audio, and that is a couple days ago, I was dating a girl for about four to five months, and it finished a couple days ago. She called it off. It’s gonna be hard … I’m sorry. I apologise … to do the audio. It’s still a little bit fresh, but the reason being was that she, without going into the details, she, in her mind, was like, “Yeah, but if I step this up into a relationship,” ’cause that was kind of what I was asking for after four or five months or so, she goes, “If I step this up into a relationship, then what if this happens, and what if that happens, and what happens if we start dating,” or not dating. We were dating already, “If we had this relationship and then I’m not what you want, or I can’t give you what you want? Or what happens if you can’t give me what I need?”
All these things, right, all these variables. I was like, “Yeah, sure that could happen. Like I’m not gonna deny that. Who knows what’s gonna happens, but what if it doesn’t? What happens if it’s the best thing that ever happened?” I sometimes think about it like going to a buffet, and people say, “Yeah, but if I have the buffet, then it’s like what if I don’t like it and what if it’s too much, and what if I …” I’m like, “Well, hold on a minute, but you’ve never tried it, so how do you know?” It’s no different in my situation.
It’s made me really think, because of all these variables that she came up with that she’s made a call to not go further, and after four or five months it’s literally just come to a grinding halt, and it’s literally been the last 24 hours that she’s now kind of gone back and started to think that she’s made probably a bad decision, and this, and this, and that. I’m just keeping it cool. I’m not gonna force a decision that’s not in my favour or is not in my, you know, I don’t feel like it’s necessary for me to go and beg, and plead, and please, and come on, can you … It has to come from her, and it has to come from her in the right place.
I think about this, and how this all sort of applies to other parts of people’s lives. It’s like you want to go on that scuba diving adventure, but what if this, and X, and Y happen? What’s great about life is that anything could fucking happen. No one knows even if you’re the best planner on Earth, and I find that this whole overthinking business that people get so caught up on, you know, in a relationships sense it’s like, “Yeah, but what happens if this happens?” I’m like, “Well, you know, a lot of shit can happen, you know.” And so people don’t even step out before they make that … like make that …
This is what I told the girl. This is what I told the girl. I said to her in the carpark two days ago I said, “Look, I respect that that’s how you see it. This is how I see it.” I said, “Look, I’m willing to give this a shot. I’m willing to take this to the next level.” Mind you it was only a week prior that she wanted me to meet her sister, like meet the family, right. So I said, “Look, I’m happy to give this a shot.” I said, “I don’t know if this is gonna work. No one knows until we try it.” You don’t know what someone is like until you live with them, right. You can’t make a judgement call before you live with that person. You just have to sample it. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. You move on. And I said, “Look …” Excuse me. I said, “Look. I’m happy to try it, and what will happen is that we’ll fall deeply in love, you know, and then we may come to the realisation that you are not what I want, and I’m not what you want, and then we get really hurt.” And I said, “That’s a function of life.”
I mean, we try and protect it, but it’s a function of life, but on the flip side, it could be the best fucking thing that ever happens. It could be you fall in love, and then it’s like, “Fuck. Wow. This is incredible. This is exactly what I was looking for.” But people don’t take that chance. They want the guarantee of feeling these great feelings without the risk of the downside that could come with it. It’s like people want to invest in the stock market for the upside, but they’re not willing to take the fall. I mean, how the fuck can you … are you supposed to enjoy life without the risk of some kind of adversity happening in any capacity?
In my situation, it was with the girl. And I said, “Look, that’s how I see it.” I said, “But I have a very high tolerance for risk. For what I do in my adventures.” But not everyone thinks the way I do, but in saying that, years ago, I mean, years ago, I had the same thing. I was more conservative, and so I was more risk adverse, and then I wanted more of a guarantee of my personal safety and that I wouldn’t get hurt, X, Y, Z, but now I’m just like, when I say now I’m talking like the last … I mean I was with a girl for six years, so that wasn’t part of it, but for the last three years I just put it out there.
It really upsets me deeply. It really deeply upsets me, because like, with this girl in particular, it’s like, “Hey, we’ve been four, five months. I mean, you well and truly know who I am as a person. I’m a simple guy. In general I have deep philosophies, but like I eat simply, I like mixed vegetables. I’m a simple guy. Four, five months, you know me. You know me, and so there are no surprises, and so going to that next level should be an easy transition in my opinion.” So, if anything, yeah, I’m still cut up about it, I’m still hurt about it. I wish that this discussion that we had two days ago was brought up earlier, like much earlier, like months ago instead of two days ago. It just breaks my heart, but it made me produce this podcast. It’s actually made me think about how people operate on a day to day with not just in a relationship and not willing to take that chance, but also with every other area, too. Like people not willing to make the leap because it’s the focus on the immediate adversity, which may or may not even happen, so we put ourselves through this misery, and it may not even happen.
The message here is, I guess, just the awareness, the self-awareness, around the overthinking nature of stuff in life, whether it be, back to relationship, like I find that … for me, I’ve been single now for, let’s call it categorically single, not including dating, for three years, and I find that I meet somebody, and it’s literally a judgement call on the façade of my Instagram account, or my just like two sentences of my personality, and they immediately put me back on the shelf. Like literally looking at the cover of a book, having a quick glance over it, and then putting it back on the shelf without really getting to understand the depth of the person, and the depth of that person’s character. I could whinge, and bitch, and complain about the dating scene and how it’s changed, and it’s not how it used to be and everything else, but that’s not gonna help anybody. I think the way we need to play it is we need to just be a little bit more fearless when it comes to how we not only approach adventures, but also how we look at the dating potential partners and so forth.
It’s just be a little bit more fearless, and run that risk of getting hurt, ’cause it’s gonna fucking happen. Even if you’re in a relationship, and you think you have it all worked out, that you are going to get hurt along the way. You’re gonna have arguments, you’re gonna fight, you’ll say things you don’t mean, and these kinds of things, and you are gonna get hurt, so I think live a little bit more openly, a little bit more fearlessly, take a little bit more risk. Don’t, you know, I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t think about anything, and you shouldn’t thoroughly plan stuff at times. It’s necessary to do that. Like for example, I’m doing Kilimanjaro in a couple weeks from now, flying over to Tanzania, like there’s a lot of fucking planning involved there, I mean. But, but the decision to do Kilimanjaro was literally like one night I was thinking about it, I was like, “Hey, that’d be pretty cool.” I made the decision real quick, and then the planning phase is taking a lot of time. As it should. As it should.
So, that’s it. I hope this has gone through to at least one person out there. Maybe you can get some self-awareness around this, and if you have anything you want to share with me, a story or anything along those lines, please do so. You can leave them in the podcast comments. You can e-mail me directly Brad@BradNewton.tv. I’m a super approachable dude, especially on Instagram, @bradnewtonofficial, is my handle. You can message me on there, as well. I’d be glad to hear your story, and also if you just wanna have a conversation about Kilimanjaro, just come over for a chat. Hope everyone has an awesome day. It is 8:30 in the morning. It’s a super sunny day in Melbourne. It’s meant to be like ridiculously hot today, so peace out, have an awesome day, and speak soon.